I turned

And you were there.

For a moment, I panicked, wondering if I should greet you, or pretend not to have noticed.

And I hate that you still have this effect on me.

The Neverending Process

Sometimes, I wish I could be blunt. Layers upon layers, all of them me, but disjointed. Put them together, and there is a moment of enlightenment. Turn away, and again they don’t make sense.

Forward and back, left and right. When will this dance stop? Treading in between truth and lies, waiting for the right moment. Hoping it is enough, knowing it is not.

In front of me, ignorance. Behind, so much more. In the distance, barely seeing the light. And with each step I take, it seems to move further. But when I look back, murky waters I can’t return to.

Again and again and again and again, they say, the process never ends, the gut wrenching paralysis doesn’t go away. But it does get easier. Maybe.

It’s the same for everyone, they say, but depends on the individual circumstance. Similar, but different. Experiences which bind. Creates a culture of its own. A set of rules, unwritten, although some try to code the inexplicable. A form of mentoring, based not on numerical age, but experiential. Infants at 50? Why not?

Empathy through rose-coloured lenses. Supporting and understanding. But never in the same world. It goes both ways, yet socialization makes it easier for some but not others.

I’m tired.

Isolation, is not good for me.

One line, from an old old song, emerges. But to break from the mould…

Back into the Drone

Freshman orientation starts in a little over a week, and after that, school. For almost two weeks, catching up with friends who’ve been far far away. Back into the easy banter, wishing it didn’t have to end. When school starts, the circle changes again.

A slow process, figuring myself out, and it’s nice to know that I have support, even if there’s a lot that they can never understand.

Paris, Je t’aime.

You may have noticed the photos gets less planned ie. fewer experimentation with macros, exposure, lighting etc. A lot of times now, I just take without looking closely and then I sort out the ones which I think are passable.

So this pretty much concludes my summer. Almost six weeks in a foreign country, a fantastic experience to be sure, with it’s ups and downs. There were lots of times when I felt alone, and it was going online that I was able to relief some of that homesickness. The thought of da clique, especially, reminded me that I have friends, if just not in France.

Talking to someone I’ve met over the last few days, who was on exchange in INSA-Lyon while I was studying french there, confirms certain things which I’ve found out. I like Paris much more than Lyon. It’s vibrant, there’s always something going on, and even though there are way more people around, not all of them friendly, more experienced conmen and homeless street people, It’s still more me.

I like the streets of Paris, so complicated and yet, not hard to navigate, even with it’s numerous side streets not on the map. Paris has a more diverse demography, and it’s huge. I prefer Lyon’s metro system, Rouen’s cleaner streets, Chamonix’s mountains, Annecy’s lakes, and I can’t stand the bureacracy all around, where transport strikes don’t do a thing, and road blocks are a norm, shops don’t open on sundays and everyone walks too fast, but Paris is just so alive.

Then again, maybe I’d enjoy Grenoble more, where everything is laid-back, the mountains are nearby (ski-ing!), and there are more students than working adults (exaggeration of course).

When it’s sunny, it’s hot, and the sky is perfect for photos. When it rains in summer, it’s like in between a drizzle and a rain at home, you know, the period when you think, shit, better take out the umbrella, but it doesn’t get much heavier. And then it’s really cold.

Finally, I’m going to miss the bread and cheese, but I’m glad cheap hawker food is in reach again. I swear I lost weight on a budget in Paris. And soup. Soup would be really nice now, as I’m writing this on my last day. Yum.

Written on 6 July, 9PM, Paris time.

P.S. I need to regain the weight I lost. FOOOD.

Conflicts and ESTPs (I think)

I wouldn’t normally write about disagreements, but this guy whom I’m staying with until tonight (thank god) and I have had a couple of arguments (to him, to me it’s just another discussion, albeit slightly heated) with and he exclusively told me to tell my friends because he didn’t think I was making any sense or that I had any ounce of logic in me and no one will think I’m making sense, not even other people who are from arts, not my friends, and not my profs (which could actually be true, considering my horrible grade for that mod).

But enough about that. I think it started something like this. And this is not word for word, and some of it is generalised. So tell me where my arguments go wrong.

His opinion: Poor people are that way because they don’t work hard. (I can’t remember if he said this exactly, but I know that he definitely said that rich people work hard for their wealth and that governments should not tax them heavily just to support the poor who don’t work as hard.)

My argument: Not all the poor don’t work hard. Sometimes it depends on the opportunities they receive.

His counter: Opportunities depend on whether or not you grab them. (My interpretation)

Here I was thinking that not everyone starts off equally, but I think he understood “opportunities” as along the way, they don’t work hard enough to make full use of their opportunities.

And then there was a whole long period of him trying to make me agree with him and me trying to make him understand me. And of course he thought that I couldn’t understand him. (I did, I just didn’t agree with him.) And I think he thought I was trying to make him agree with me. (I wasn’t, I was just challenging his ideas.)

The problem started when he said that he was basing his reasoning on facts whereas I wasn’t (can’t remember what he called mine). I wasn’t going to dispute his “facts”, since I have no idea where they came from. (This was the second argument by the way, the first one was about Malays being innately lazy and that’s why they’re poor and his argument was that statistically, more middle income Malays are falling into working class brackets than the chinese. I can’t dispute his figures, and I went on about culture, which he understood as the malay culture as being innately lazy.)

Anyway, I digress.

I remember Hui talking about Descartes and knowledge, so I dredged up that little memory. What I said was that “not all facts are true” (and I remember this because he went on about this bit, later I clarified that not all facts are always accurate, even though I can’t remember what was wrong with it).

His example: “I know for a fact that we cannot live without air, food and water.”

I asked him to prove it. So he said that it’s been proven scientifically that people die without air, food and water. He took a while to convince me, so I brought up the point that science is not always accurate because it depends on experiments, which are never 100% accurate and we basically know nothing.

He asked me whether I would still live if I stopped breathing. Okay fine, I concede that point. And then he argued that facts are true. So I pointed out some other axioms, like 1+1=2, which he agreed couldn’t be proven, but qualified as exceptions to the rule (rule being “facts are always true”).

So of course I had to ask how he knew that “we can’t live without air, food and water” was satisfying the rule of “facts are always true” and not the exception to the rule

Oh then there was the bit about “how do you know we exist?” in response to “air, food, water”, which he took as a disagreement to his statement (it’s not, it’s just a question, no agreement or disagreement involved). I had to explain myself of course. IF we don’t exist, we don’t REALLY need air, food and water, just that we think we do.

Did that make sense? I knew he didn’t get me there. Abstract reasoning doesn’t seem to be his strong trait, and I know I wasn’t being as clear as Descartes would be able to do. (Even though he said he’s read philosophy and it’s nothing like my examples. He had a point, and I did say that I don’t know enough about it, which led him to argue that if I don’t know much, I shouldn’t use it at all, but since I have that bit of information, and it made sense to me, why not use it?)

Now that I think about it, there are a lot more loopholes in his assumptions than I noticed. Now I just need someone to critique my own arguments. Don’t hold back (no really, be nice, since I’m really sensitive). I don’t think I made any personal attacks (I hope not), so just tell me if you think my arguments are as illogical as he says.

Oh, and I don’t have a problem with him as a person, his opinions are his own, and he can think whatever he likes. And I’ve tried to be as objective as possible, so if you think I’m not, tell me too.

Update from Paris

I haven’t written or posted any photos recently because I’ve been too tired. Day after day, there’s lessons, and then going to visit places, and then when I get back, it’s being grilled by my host on where I went. Alone time has been scarce.

To make it worse, I haven’t had the energy or will to take photos. I think I’ve been taking so many, especially with people in it, that it starts to look all the same.

The good thing is, since the lessons have ended, and I have plenty of days to kill, I can make it a point to go slow in Paris, which is where I’ve returned to. I’m still processing the differences between the two cities, but while there is much more to do in Paris, Lyon is probably slower paced, judging by the speed the Parisiens walk at.

The last two weeks in Lyon was mostly shopping, although there was a trip to Annecy, where we visited an old prison I’m too tired to search the name of, then Fête de la Musique  in the evening on 21 July, the longest day of the year, marking the start of summer. The one saturday where the streets are filled until past 1 am in the morning.

Then we had a little visit to a silk factory, where they still produce some silk, but which is too expensive. It was interesting to see how the machines worked, but I doubt any of us really cared about the Canuts and their rebellions.

We also had a little test, which apparently I did okay in, so hopefully my month here hasn’t been wasted, even if it was too expensive and my mother would probably not be happy.

I’ve got a week left, and I think I’ll take my time to roam the streets. Those are the best parts of Paris, really. All the little streets which interconnect and form a maze which only locals can recognize and make sense of.

Finally, on saturday, I went for Paris Gay Pride, and it was AWESOME. I’m still speechless.

Chamonix

Quick post ’cause I have to leave in 20 min.

Last weekend, I went to Chamonix, a town/city in the middle of the Alps. It’s ~1km above sea level and the view is amazing. Went up to one of the peaks which has an elevation of more than 3000m and just kept taking photos.

Also went paragliding, or voler (fly) en parapente. A little scary at take-off (from ~2km above sea level) and jumped down to the town. Expensive, but totally worth it for the experience. Took videos, but I have a problem with transferring them, so I’ll have to cross my fingers and hope that there’s a website somewhere that can help.

Finally, after looking my photos through, I’ve come to a conclusion that very few people can take good photos of me. I only have a handful that I like. Whereas other people are just really good models and they have lots of good photo opportunities.

Some of my classmates went for Lyon Gay Pride on Saturday, and they said it was an eye-opener. I’m hoping to go for Paris’ two weeks from now, I’m sure it’ll be even better.

For photos, click on flickr link on the right.

Commentary

Summer is slowly making itself felt, but the cold weather still persists for most of the day. At night, the sun’s heat, gathered over the course of the day, loses it’s effectiveness. Time is relative, daylight stretches for more than 16 hours until it loses it’s grip.

So far, all the locals I’ve met have been wonderful, but I only interact with them for short periods of time. Unfortunately, I mix mostly with people in my class, comprised of mainly engineers. In class, I still understand better than I speak, and I don’t memorise grammar rules (as usual), so there’s lot’s of mistakes there.

In Macs

My McChicken tastes exactly the same. The things I do for internet access. Dinner party in less than an hour and I spend S$12.30 on a meal here. Won’t have time to upload photos I think, not if I want to finish all my goals for the half hour I have left.

I’m staying outside of Lyon proper, with an old woman who’s extremely paranoid about getting into trouble should anything happen to me, but the fetters she puts on my doesn’t chafe too badly, yet.

Just to put things into perspective, it’s dangerous at night, when it’s dark, but there’s a total of maybe 6 or 7 hours from 10, when it starts to get dark, to 5, when it’s totally bright daylight. And she prefers I return at 7 for dinner, so that’s maybe two and a half hours for visiting the roman ruins, the Notre Dame of Lyon etc.

Today, there’s neighnourhood party, so I couldn’t go with the rest to old Lyon and the Saint Jean-Baptiste Cathedrale.

I packed for summer, and I got frickin’ 13 degrees Celsius. The locals also say that it’s not usual weather, that by this time it’s warm. I see trenchcoats and leather jackets everywhere and I feel even colder. Some of us have resorted to borrowing warmer clothing.

Yesterday it was raining, and we went on a boat trip on the Saône river. I think I froze there. The rain isn’t heavy compared to what we have, but the winds are strong.

This weekend, I’m hoping to go on a day trip to avignon, a couple hours train ride from here, but the details are sketchy and I’m not sure if it’s possible, especially if the weather stays this way.

So far, school is relearning everything we’ve learnt before, with lots and lots of listening and oral practice. The good thing is that it’s difficult not to use at least a little french outside of school. The bad thing is, it’s easy enough to get by with english really.

Breakfast is bread and butter (baguette of course, but they leave their bread out to harden and omg is it hard to eat), lunches at the school is ermm, a lot a lot, not amazing but not that horrible either. Dinners tend to be microwaved unless my host’s son or daughter is around, which is probably really rare.

The good thing is, I’m eating cheese everyday (and yogurt, but still think that Meiji strawberry yogurt is the best heh). No wine, apparently not all families have aperitifs for meals, but that’s fine with me.

That’s all the time I have, so until next time!

Summer 2008 - Paris Pre-Immersion

Paris was everything I expected and more. Old buildings subtly calling for attention with it’s architecture and infused with a history you can only guess at. The city is a blend of old and new that can never be experienced in Singapore, with it’s clean roads and everything sanitised. The wide bridges across the Seine draws a sense of awe, and buskers line the streets.

I took my time at each location I went. Sacre-Coeur and Montmartre on the first day. The Louvre and the Eiffel Tower to the see the lights on the second, without going up, and the third day going up the tower by escalator, going to Notre-Dame after and then dropping by the Centre de Georges Pompidou, the modern art building. We wanted to go to the Mall, but the shops were closed by 8, so we walked around the streets, eventually ending at a second hand clothes shop with a really cute dog.

Sacre-Coeur and Notre-Dame are both religious institutions which have become tourist attractions. The former didn’t allow photos to be taken inside, and it’s easy to see how some people may feel overwhelmed in it. A part of me feels sad for the sacrilege that the two are just another place for people to visit.

The Louvre, wow. Paintings and sculptures of the pre-modernist age. If there were impressionist works, I didn’t see them, but greek and roman mythology was well represented subjects, and I like greek deities. I took too many photos there and ran out of battery, which was the only thing that stopped me from continuing. And of course, I didn’t want to say I went to the Louvre but didn’t see the Mona Lisa.

I wanted to walk up the Eiffel Tower, but my companions didn’t want that, and my shoes didn’t really have good support anyway. The view is nice, but my attention was captured by this little girl with really pretty eyes, and views are never nice on point-and-shoot cameras.

Tags: paris, 2008, summer, louvre, montmartre, eiffel tower, art, kids